Me, spilling out all my thoughts, inner and outer, on just about anything! Lots of poetry, short stories from past experiences, anecdotes about teaching elementary school, music, relationships....garage sale type thing...Something For Everyone!

Friday, December 22, 2006

This Is My Absolute LAST Trip to The Grocery Store!

No More Seasonal Magazines For Me!

Seems I’ve spent far too much time and money at the local Zehrs food store in the last week. Other people must be doing the same thing because I now recognize them in the lineup, as we pick up the idle conversation just where we left it the other day! After all, what else is there to do while you are tenth in line at 11:00 a.m.? (Yes, I have taken this long to get my act together and over to my favourite store and it took awhile to find a parking spot!)

Well, I have discovered that there IS in fact something else to do while waiting; something that is well designed by the magazine marketing scheme crew. You guessed it, and I admit that I have succumbed at every opportunity, much to my chagrin. Do not mistake me. I have not even looked at The Enquirer, let alone purchased it! Instead, my hand shoots out and grabs yet, another one of those, "Beautiful Homes December Issue" type magazines with the gorgeous photographs of the most magnificently decorated house in America on the cover.

The woman on the inside pages looks like she doesn’t know what the word stress means. She appears healthy and happy, her makeup job is professional, and she hasn’t a hair out of place! She is dressed in an expensive holiday dress from Talbots and her totally-calm-all-round-beaming children are posing in their matching outfits from The Gap.

You can’t tell me that she’s just finished baking those marvelous cookies, (from the highest level of difficulty section of the recipe book) that appear on the opposite page!! Why do I look so different after I’ve had my third disastrous attempt at Christmas-shaped cut-out cookies? Perhaps it’s the flour in my hair, on my face, (that’s MY makeup job!) pasted to my Santa sweatshirt and reaching my faded jeans that I recently bought from the second hand store!

And it gets worse……

The pages that follow, feature each room of the 4800 square foot house in its entire Christmas splendor! Every piece of furniture is adorned in natural greenery, beautiful bows, vases of natural holly, and gilded fruit. Each room is more elaborately decorated than the one previously shown. Unique wreaths grace every wall and the four fireplace mantels are draped with boughs, red bows and ribbons, white lights, bells, and of course, hand made stockings. Thick, pine garlands with gold bows and tiny lights are wound around the oak banister of the staircase.

In short, viewing this magazine that depicts the perfect people in their beautiful home, exquisitely decked out for Christmas, is quite disconcerting for me. Now, I have to go back to my small, inadequate home and face my own shabby decorations, which only an hour ago I proudly thought were looking pretty amazing. We don't even have a fireplace.

I become increasingly disgusted with this family staring disdainfully out at me from those glossy pages. They represent everything I am not….. the unattainable….the ultimate American Dream Lifestyle. And they make it look so natural, as if everybody lives like this. I’m getting angry and agitated just looking at them!

I am just about to hurl the magazine back somewhere near its rack when the cashier nudges me back to reality with a loud, "You’re up, dear!"
With everyone in the line-up now staring at me, I quickly thrust the magazine down on the conveyor belt. Bending down, I unload the cart thinking, "Oh, what the heck! Maybe it’s not too late!"

Another trip, another magazine to add to my coffee table collection!

Mother of Invention, thinking that I look darn good on the cover of MY OWN magazine!


Blogger steve said...

Oh, thats so great MOM!!! I see the magazines too but I have been far too afraid to open one and expose the allure of Shangri-la/El Dorado/Cask of Amantillado that is advertised within. A proper antidote might be to turn on the Jerry Springer I play it safe and enjoy the small talk!!!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Blogger Maggie said...

You crack me up! I can never get the cut out cookies to look beautiful like in the picture of the cookbooks! Those magazines are full of actors sitting on a set! Just remember that your home is decorated and filled with love. That set has none. You should see my loving decorations! LOL.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Blogger RennyBA said...

Looking forward to the release of your own magazine:-) It will for sure be on my coffee table too!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and that is why I hate Martha Stewart. You're supposed to think they did all of that stuff and didn't even smear their mascara. What you don't see are Martha's minions scurrying around doing the grunt work while she gets the credit.

P.S. I think the flour look is dead sexy!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Just on time to wish you:


I simply love your vivid descriptions of the perfect mom and perfect kids and their perfect house! We also don't have any fireplace here, not even a fake one. Anyway, I'm sure your home is always decorated with warmth and smiles.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Blogger Barbara said...

The perfect people in the magazines are all models who probably couldn't bake a cookie if they tried. You are the real thing!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

They probably over-imbibe, the children on probation and massively in debt!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a bit nuts for magazine editors to believe that the public believes these people live like this 24-7. How nice it would be to have professional help making houses look festive, making children behave, and making sure the make-up is perfectly applied whilst one makes cookies. Yeah, I try to avoid those magazines because I get disgusted too.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mother, you are no less than those beautiful people and I would prefer to have a cup of coffee and some holiday cheer in your humble home than most other places I can think of because it is you that makes the difference. I thought my grandmother was the richest person in the world, and all she had to offer me was unconditional love.

Peace and goodwill and the Merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Years.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Blogger Richard said...

What you need is an image coach and consultant, then you will be as perfect (superficially) as you can be.

I am always running to the store for last minute things ("What to you mean we have no dried blueberries?")

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Blogger RennyBA said...

Happy Birthday Fennymun said? How could I miss that! From all of you to all of me: Happy Birthday:-)

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Steve: Again, you crack me up and I'm with you on the small talk with a cup of tea of course!

Maggie: Of course, you're right, we all have the spirit and love.

Renny: Ah, wise choice! A subscription is in the mail!

Bob: Yeah, Martha looked better in stripes trying to decorate her cell! Hey, shoulda done that flour thing a long time ago! HA!

Fennymun:Thanks! We do have a lot of warmth and character in our home. A lot of cat things everywhere too!

Barbara:Yes, I'm real alright and sometimnes the burning of the cookies is a little TOO real! HA!

Old Lady: I'd love to know that! Well we're only a wee bit in debt!

Brooksba: So true! If I had a magazine, I'd go into real houses and help them decorate for the space and budget they have and be totally realistic.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh No, MOI! I came to wish you a good Christmas, but am mortified I missed your birthday!


A Very Merry Unbirthday to you!

[Hope it was a good'un! :-) ]

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, a birthday wish should always be seperate from the Christmas wish (from one person who's always had it lumped together to a fellow birthday/Christmas wish sharer!)

First, though, I just want to add to these obviously very sensible commenters - Are you crazy?

Do you really think anyone would prefer one of these perfecto homes, with their perfecto owners - too scared to eat a mince pie in case a crumb dropped on the floor?

Would you really like to be one of these people who have so little of importance in their lives that they spend so long decorating and rearranging?

And would you really like to live up to the image these guys have to live up to?

Uh uh! Give me a good, down-to-earth person with a life, personality and sense of humour anyday!! If I ever get across the pond, and had a choice between visiting a home like your magazine one and yours - guess which one I'll be choosing!! :-D

Take care, Mother of Invention, and have a

Very Merry Christmas
and a
Happy and Peaceful New Year!!

I hope your Christmas is everything you could possibly want it to be (as long as your wish isn't for one of those false-homes!) and I hope the new year brings you all your wishes!!

Oh, by the way, Mimi is doing another Peace Day tomorrow!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Annelisa: So thankful for your wishes! No, I don't really want all that stuff from the mags!

Friday, December 29, 2006


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